So I'm going to be totally self-absorbed right now just to get it out of my system. So cliche, but here goes....you've been forewarned.
Have you ever been in a funk before? Like, a
FUNKY funk where you kind of "check out" for a while? I knew I was in a signifigant funk when I was listening to Etta James everyday and turning down friend's invitations to a Girl's Night Out....and when I didn't want to do anything but watch movies or read books. Any of you who
really know me, knows that I am social and positive most of the time. I knew something was off. I now know what it was but didn't want to admit it, because then I would be succumbing to "
it."
I've come to realize how strongly I have valued other's opinions of me throughout my life. It's unhealthy, really. Most of all, those whom I've come to consider close family and friends. So after 8 years trying to earn the love and respect of someone close to me and my family told me that she thinks I'm a horrible mother and wife I was surprised. I was hurt. I like to think I'm a fairly confident person with good self-esteem...but I remembered visibly flinching when she told me I was an ungrateful and disrespectful bitch, as well....my heart sunk a little when she told me that the reason my kids get sick is because my house is so dirty there is mold growing on my dishes.
See, I had been under the impression that my hard work throughout the years had paid off and this person and I had built a solid relationship of genuine respect and love for one another. I was actually pretty crushed over it. I was suprised this person had such a strong influence over me. Where did all of the animosity come from? How did I miss it? I had glimpes of these feelings but passed them off as my insecurities getting the best of me. I had always given her the benefit of the doubt.
I found myself criticizing everything I did everyday thereafter.
Little by little, I felt I was slipping down into a hole of despair and shame. Four months have gone by since that conversation and I'm finally on the other side of it. I haven't spoken to this person since January and it's all been via e-mail; she has never answered my phone calls.
After a lot of soul-searching, conversations with my husband, and personal prayer I've come to the conclusion that I am, in fact, a good person. I am a good person because I truly try my best in my life. Maybe it's because I have too much pride or maybe because my parents gave me confidence from an early age but I want to meet my full potential someday. I try my best to continue learning how I can be a better person. More than anything, I have come to know I've become a decent person because I still love this person regardless of the damaging doubts she planted in my mind. I would and have forgiven her. She will likely never ask for forgiveness but I will go on living my life to the best of my ability.
My conclusion: so what if I don't win "Mother of the Year?" Or clean my apartment obsessively every day? So what if my weight is never where I want it? What if I'm not perfect? My children know I love them. My husband knows I value and love him. My family and friends know I love them. I am in good health. I like myself. I contribute to society on a daily basis. The weather has been miraculously beautiful and warm for the past 5 days! I feel as though God has smiled on me! I look at all of my daily blessings and how can I question my worth? Life is good! My kids are healthy and happy! I get to go to the temple on Friday! I've cleaned out my fish tank, too and so now my fish are happy, haha! Even though everything in my life isn't perfect, even though there will always be people who will criticize and devalue me throughout my life, I will continue to press forward and endure to the end...with a smile on my face!
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss
