So, just to offset the verbal vomit I'm about to spew, here are some cute things that happened today:
Shae stepped on a bee while running thru the sprinklers with friends and she ran inside wailing like an ambulance to show me. Since she was practically doing the alligator-death-roll to get away from me, Klint and I both needed to hold her while I got the bee stinger out of her foot with tweezers. There is a cute part; it's when I put Neosporin and a band-aid on it and put her in bed to watch a movie and rest her foot. To cheer her up, I told her I was her age the first time I could remember being stung by a bee. And I sat on it. True story. (I was a smart kid). Shae thought this was hilarious, stopped crying and giggled delightfully! Especially when I did an impression of what I must've looked like. I knew this was the type of humor a 4-year old could appreciate.
Also cute, I was hanging out with Klint after I got home from work and he told me how brave Jaakson was today when he crashed his bike. I guess he biffed it pretty bad and has some good gashes on both of his knees. Six months ago this kid would've reacted the way Shae did. Apparently he just sucked it up and said, "Uh Dad, could you help me out here?" He didn't even fuss when Klint cleaned it up and put a band-aid on. I'm so proud of our lil' guy and the strong boy he's turning out to be!
Those were the highlights of my day.
Here it comes... I don't think I'm ever going to be good enough......as long as I'm employed somewhere and I have children to raise. I'm blessed to have a part-time job at a salon. I'm moreso blessed to have the opportunity to stay-at-home 90% of my week with my children. I usually only have to work 3/4 to5 hour shifts in the evenings per week. There are moms out there who hardly get to see their children at all because of their work schedules. I "only" have to work part-time, I know. My dilemma: I don't know that it's possible to have a perfect time record. How does everyone else seem to be able to juggle it ALL and not have problems being on-time? Am I missing some Supermom gene that every working mother has? Are all Supermoms also psychics?! They can tell the future and plan accordingly?
No matter what, SOME drama or disaster occurs JUST as I'm leaving for work that requires my intervention: Klint isn't going to be home on-time because his work or school has decided to keep him longer than initially planned. I have to rush to find a sitter to cover the time gap. Shae gets stung on the foot by a bee and wants her Mom. The neighborhood kids are knocking down the front door. Jaakson got into an argument with a neighborhood kid. Someone turned on the outdoor hose and it's spraying everyones cars. Elena is just waking up from her nap and crying for Mom. A neighborhood kid just called Shae a "bitch." The list TRULY never ends. And it always happens as I'm trying to get ready for work or walking out the door for work. I'm pretty sure my co-workers think I'm a pathological liar (well, maybe not the ONE other working mother). I don't say anything anymore if I'm a couple minutes late to work.
I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible for me to have a perfect record, in terms of being on-time for work. I won't bore you with details or anymore reasons/excuses but when it comes down to it; I'm multi-tasked OUT. I feel like my kids come first and my job second. Yet financially, I MUST work right now. Fortunately, I married for love. I obviously didn't marry for money. Alas, money makes the world go round.
It doesn't appear to matter that when I get to work, I am a hard worker. I'm efficient. I'm professional. I'm good at what I do. I'm reliable and loyal to my employer. Apparently, none of those things matter. My efforts never matter. One of the assistant managers told me that it doesn't matter that I'm on-time most of the time because I "only" work about 3 times a week so when I'm occasionally late it doesn't average out so well...... For me, the fact that I'm on-time MOST of the time, with all the craziness of that comes with kids every week., is quite an accomplishment in MY book. I guess I'm easily pleased? I have a small yardstick? Who knows. I'm genuinely and desperately doing my best to meet the "on-time" standards and I feel like saying, "Talk to me if/when you've had a few children, if you're still working by then." As for now ZERO tolerance, it is. My co-workers are late all the time whom aren't even married, going to school, have kids, etc. *Sidenote: I also find it extremely aggravating when managers and assistant managers are allowed to be tardy numerous times/days and they don't write each other up, while the rest of us grunts are expected to be 100%, "or else!"
Bluh. I don't necessarily need/want anyone to agree with me on this. I know, I know "it's important to be on-time and it's part of being professional," etc. I WANT to be a good employee! I'm truly trying my utmost, my very best. I'm also trying to be a good mother, a good wife, a good neighbor, a good housekeeper, a good disciple of Christ, a good daughter/sister/grandaughter, a good citizen.
I guess I just feel the need to put my words out into the universe.....via blogger. I haven't posted anything in a long time so I'm banking on the fact that nobody will actually read this. And hoping if you do read this, you won't judge me. There's something about writing it all out that is therapeutic.
I just feel like I'm running out of steam and the finish line is still so far away......*sigh*
5 comments:
I'm sorry Kylene!! You know, there is a sign up sheet in relief society for sitter for when emergencies come up! Maybe Terriann can help you out with that. They should be more understanding of your situation. Have they not talked to any other employee who is late as well? You should speak up and let them know! Good luck! Thats crazy about whats going on! Yes I am shocked you blogged :)
I used to always be on time, but since having kids, I'm always late. I'm glad I don't have to work outside of the home anymore. I remember working from home part time after we adopted Baylie. Even though I was home and even though it was part time, it was still hard. It seemed like there were still always conflicts. Is there no possibility of going somewhere else and sharing a booth? Then your hours are your own and you don't have to answer to anyone as long as you pay your rental. (Or isn't that how it works??) Hopefully one day both of our husbands will be through with school and we can become women of leisure :).
Hi Kylene, I just checked my blog for the first time in like...well, a LONG time! I just read your post. And I really wanted to tell you that YOU ARE AMAZING and genuine and gorgeous! And... you ARE NOT ALONE! I feel like that post could have been written by me, minus the obvious differences ;) I have been working on somethings in this area recently and so I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, not even close, and I would love to get together for a chat sometime if you would like. Sending you some virtual love!
I was managing my blog (getting rid of inactive blogs in my blog list) and ran across the Lakeridge 7th ward blog. I was curious to see what's new (looks like it hasn't been kept up, unfortunately) and saw your blog linked. So I blog hopped (hope you don't mind!). Congrats on the new baby!
I definitely get what you mean by never being able to get to things on time--story of my life, and most of the places I have to go these days are not always understanding of being late (ie doctor's offices). There should be some leniency for mothers! :-)
I hope things are going well for you--just thought I would give my two cents and say 'hi!'
Hey Ky, Hang in there. I wish I could help but not gonna be able to today. You are an amzaing mom. When you start to doubt that remember Heavenly Father wouldn't let you have such great kids if you didn't. Worrying that you aren't a good mom is part of what will always, ALWAYS make you a better mom. Money problems suck but think of it this way; when Christ comes again money will be worthless and integrety will be worth everything. Kindness will be worth more than a good meal, being there for your kids will mean more than being on time to anything and love will keep you happy. You truly are a great person. I love you and hope that next time we are in town (many moon from now) we will get to see your sweet kiddos and you. And Klint! LOL I hate this saying because when I want to brood over being upset with the world it always brings me back to perspective but "Christ never said it would be easy, only said it would be worth it". Man I have to work on my faith that it will be. ;)
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